Planning a Memorable Funeral

If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing, ‘How to plan a memorable funeral’, I would have thought you were referring to the funerals I’d planned for my parents; certainly not for my husband. But sometimes life can throw you a curve ball that you may not see coming. It can either hit you right square between the eyes and leave you damaged, or you can grab the bull by the horns, as they say, and do your best, given the circumstances.

Over these past 17 months, I have been able to adjust to my new life as a widow. It’s not been easy but I guess that’s why I feel compelled to write about my experience and share tidbits of my journey that may help you when the time comes and you’re faced with having to plan an event such as this. I’m living proof that you just never know when that might become necessary. We’ve all been to funerals, but have you ever had to plan one? This will be a ‘peek behind the curtain’ to know what needs to be and what can be done to make it a memorable experience. It may be for a friend or a loved one, but either way, I hope it’s not anytime soon.  File this away where you can find it when you need it but trust me when I say… When it happens, you’ll want to do everything you can to honor the one you’ve lost. The more prepared you can be, the better off you will feel. 

After the shock of someone dying begins to settle in, you suddenly realize that you’re going to have to plan a funeral. If it was an unexpected death, this is when it becomes very real.  Telling my sons that their Dad had died was the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my lifetime. I don’t wish that on anyone. Things began to happen very quickly. There are parts of that day that I don’t even remember. I remember breaking the news to my sons. I remember texting our pastor and a couple of friends. Then it began…

Once people found out, friends started stopping by to offer comfort, but they themselves were in shock and disbelief. Within days, the flowers started to arrive. I had literally just said to my granddaughters, “I hope our home doesn’t turn into a florist” when there was a knock at the door and flowers were delivered.  They were beautiful, but all a symbol of what was happening. Something very life-altering that I wasn’t able to control.  It was nothing like I’d ever experienced. I was trying to take in what had just happened, all the while knowing that there were things that needed to be done. My head was spinning. There really wasn’t time to grieve… or was there? I needed to take a step back and realize that this wasn’t a fire drill. This was the real thing. Remember when I say this. There’s no rule book when it comes to when you have to actually have the funeral. If you’ve pre-planned and know what your loved one’s wishes are, maybe because you saw it coming or you were brave enough to have the discussion, it may be a little easier; but for us, there was no plan in place. Death happens to old people, not us. Therefore, no wishes had been discussed. Why would we talk about death? Lesson learned. But now there was so much to do. So many people to contact and we were all in a state of shock.

In the days and weeks to follow, one thing I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to rush the planning of his service. I wanted it to be a special homegoing. A way to express our love for this man and allow others to say their goodbyes, while adjusting to having lost him from our family. We were all grieving. Grief comes in different forms and in unexpected ways. There’s no rule book for that either. I’ve learned so much through this process that I didn’t see coming. My hope is to help you through this, one day at a time - one step at a time. A wise woman once told me, “you never arrive”. She was referring to business, but I have found it to be true in so many facets of life. We never truly arrive, we’re always learning but we were meant to find joy in the journey along the way. That’s truly my hope for you.

From the moment I started planning, I made a promise to myself that if this was to be my final goodbye to my soulmate, my best friend, it was going to be a beautiful event. The last thing I wanted to do was become distracted by what would soon be flooding my way – all of the changes that would have to be made. There would be plenty of time for that.  It was all so overwhelming, to say the least, but I’ll share that with you in a different blog post… for now, let’s just focus on the funeral.

In my normal, everyday life I’ve always been a list maker. I work off of my calendar and have my ‘to do list’ close by. In the days leading up to the funeral, I had a pad of paper with me everywhere I went. I’ve never experienced brain-fog like I did immediately following his passing. I’m convinced that when you suffer a loss like this, a piece of your brain goes with them to the grave. Your mind just wanders and you have a difficult time focusing on anything, but I had to focus. I had a lot to do and no playbook to go by. I just knew that I wanted it to be special for him, all the while thinking to myself, ‘how can this be happening?’

I had planned many events. From weddings to anniversaries, birthdays and fun business meetings but this time I felt a little conflicted. Was this to be a sad event or a happy one? I certainly wasn’t calling it a ‘celebration of life’ because I wasn’t celebrating. To me he still had so much life left to live. But I wanted to honor the man he had become. While I was so incredibly sad, I couldn’t find it in my heart to be angry. He was now in the arms of Jesus and I needed to remember that every single day and be grateful. It may sound very odd to a non-believer that I’m grateful for my husband’s death but that’s not at all what I mean. I miss him every day, but I’m grateful that I know without a doubt that he’s in heaven. Knowing that gave me peace, and during the planning, that gave me tremendous comfort that I would see him again one day. I began to think of his funeral as a way to remember him while he was here, but also found it a way to share the love of Jesus and what He did for my husband by giving him a new life when he surrendered his life to Him. It was a beautiful thing to watch the transformation in the years before my husband’s death and he would have wanted me to share this fact about his life, just as he had every chance he got. So I did.

Here are some things to consider and decisions you’ll have to make. I’m going to be specific because this is intended to be a helpful resource. This is fact not fiction. Remember, the more prepared you are, the easier it will be. 

When you’re planning a funeral, there are so many things you’ll have to do, but don’t forget to take care of yourself first. Eat, even when you’re not hungry. When someone offers to bring you food, say “YES”. Remember, you can’t fill from an empty cup. Trust me when I say that you won’t be hungry but you must take care of yourself first. Eat small snacks throughout the day - not junk food but something healthy and don’t forget your vitamins or the medicines that you take. When you’re tired, rest. I’d never taken so many naps in my life as I did after my husband passed. Your body is reminding you that it’s an exhausting process, even if you have help. Your mind will constantly be going and all of that is draining you of energy you once enjoyed.

Now let’s talk about what needs to be done. You begin by choosing a mortuary. I found Reichert Mortuary to be extremely helpful. They’re in the Sacramento area. I used them for both of my parents and again for my husband. They arrange to have your loved one picked up from your home or hospital, so they are one of the first calls you’ll make. I was fortunate that the paramedics called my husband’s doctor. They were so helpful. I remember them asking who his doctor was and at that moment, I didn’t know so they searched his wallet and found a card that led them to his primary care office. Do you know who your significant other’s doctor is? I didn’t… There's a lesson for you. Write that down.  

Next you’ll choose the cemetery. I found having one close to where I live was most practical. I go seasonally and change the wreath and flowers, and once in a while I’ll pay a visit to be sure the leaves are raked up and his site is presentable. But I know he’s not there so it doesn’t give me comfort to go - it’s a respect thing more than anything else. You’ll have to pick a plot. This was a little odd for me. Where would he want to be? I decided to pick something on the end so he wouldn’t have neighbors on both sides and something with a view of the landscape (as if it mattered).... I told you it gets odd. You can also make the arrangements for the headstone, but that doesn’t have to happen right away. 

You’ll find that this process is very costly. I waited to get the headstone because it was a choice I didn’t need to make at that time. I definitely needed to be in a different frame of mind before deciding how it would look - keeping in mind that my name would someday appear on that headstone, too. After many visits to the cemetery, I know now what I want to do but still haven’t invested in it. I did, however, pay for my burial when I paid for his so that my family doesn’t have to worry about the cost or decision making when the time comes. I’m sure the cost of everything will go higher as time passes, so best to pay now if you can. I’ve put that paperwork with our trust documents so that my kids can find it when the time comes. Making things more organized for them has now become important. 

You’ll need to select a casket. Believe it or not, I bought it online at Costco.com … I know, not what you would have thought but they’re beautiful and much less expensive. They deliver it straight to the mortuary (not to your house!) Who knew?

You’ll need to decide where to have the funeral service. Thankfully our church was accommodating and our dear friend offered to do the service. You’ll want to research the cost and pay for whomever officiates. Before all of this starts, you may want to have a budget in mind. This event adds up very quickly.

Next was the selection of the pallbearers. I chose one from each friend group, our two sons and his brother. They wore black and I bought them boutonnières. I bought a beautiful spray to go on top of the casket that had a Hawaiian theme because we loved our vacations on the island and flowers for my Mother in law and grandchildren as keepsakes. You’ll need to contact the florist in plenty of time for them to prepare. They will deliver the flowers the morning of the service.  

Friends sent beautiful flower bouquets that we used to decorate the sanctuary. Someone will need to take all of the floral arrangements that have been delivered to your home to the church, if that’s your plan, then to the reception afterwards so they can be enjoyed. They may eventually end up at the cemetery or back at your home to enjoy - but throwing them away brings a sense of sadness, so be forewarned. I took pictures of them to add to the reception photos, but that’s just me. So much was spent on flowers. You may want to choose a charity to donate to in lieu of flowers. I asked people to donate to Celebrate Recovery, which was instrumental in his life. They were very grateful for all who donated.

I wanted to give a memorable gift to each of the guests so I purchased koozies that we put a water bottle in and handed out when the guests arrived. On one side of the koozie was a picture of our backyard that he loved working in and on the other side it said, “Peaceful in Paradise” with his name and home-going date on the bottom. You’ll need time for them to arrive, so don’t delay in ordering if you plan to do something like this.

I also ordered small personal Kleenex packets to give guests, but they looked more like packets of mini pads… made for a light hearted chuckle by some.

In preparation of the day, we made a save the date reminder that was emailed and text to as many people as we could think of.  We wanted to be sure that no one was left out or unaware.  We searched his phone for people I thought would want to attend or at least know of his passing. I kept a card file of everyone we had contacted so that I could cross reference and make sure we’d notified everyone. I used that card file of names to coordinate the help that we needed and to notate what food people were bringing.

You’ll want to have a program. One with a photo and maybe a favorite scripture verse. It will have the order of the service, who is speaking, etc. It may have dates on it and information about reception. We had a shuttle service and asked guests to park in a nearby parking lot, then we shuttled them to our home so that parking was more manageable for the neighborhood. I notified the neighbors ahead of time to let them know the plan. That information was on the back of the program. I had extras made so that I could mail one to those who weren’t able to attend. We had a QR code created to take them to the video of the service. Yes, I’m so grateful for my sons.

Because my Mother in law hadn’t seen him in a few weeks and wasn’t prepared to say her goodbyes, I offered to have an open casket the day before. She gratefully accepted, which isn’t something I was excited about, but I did it for her. At this event, I was able to see some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and better prepare myself for the next day. It was exhausting. I framed a special quote and scripture verse that I had next to the casket which reminded the guests of the promise that they would see him again someday.

The day of the service:

Those who offered to help dropped food off at our home before coming to the church. We had volunteers at the house to set up the luncheon and prepare for the reception to follow. This is when having people who will say, “how can I help” comes in handy. Keep a list of people who may take on responsibilities that can be taken off your plate. You don’t want to be the one doing anything on that day.

At the church the day of his service, I had several tables of memorabilia in the lobby of the church… photos, game jerseys, things that he was known for that brought back special memories. We set up the koozies at each entrance and had greeters. 

In the weeks leading up to this day, I knew that I would be the best person to give the eulogy. As difficult as it was going to be, I knew him best and had so much that I wanted to share; especially the return to his faith and how much comfort I had because of that. I wrote it out word for word so that I wouldn’t get flustered and forget. I prayed for what I wanted to say and when it was over, I was very glad that I did it. Sharing our love story with the friends and family that had gathered was comforting to me and to them. A little humor and a lot of faith that kept us together for 46 years. Every single person that attended his service was special to us in one way or another. 

We had music at the service. The first song I had played before the service was one of his favorites. Each of our family spoke at his service. We shared a heartfelt message that he would have been so proud to hear.  My son spent weeks going through old photos and putting together a beautiful chronological video set to three appropriate, uplifting songs. I am truly blessed by a loving family. We played that at the end of the service. As people were leaving, I had them play a song that reminded all of us that we would see him again someday. I was very pleased with his service and felt that it was just as I wanted it. A tribute and a reminder that we will all be faced with death someday. I’ve seen many who were touched by the day make commitments, and for some recommitments to their faith because of his life, and ultimately his death. That’s what he would have wanted to have happen that day.  Just last week I heard of another story of someone being baptized because of his service. What more could we ask for than for his life to be a living testimony of the love he found in Jesus. 

We recorded his service so that those who weren’t able to attend could still feel a part of the day.  

We did a reception following the service at our home. Our dear friends provided all of the food and beverages. They came over the day before to set up the tables and chairs and were a tremendous help to make the day go smoothly.

We had a photographer at the reception. There were over 200 people who attended his service. There was no way I would remember all who were there or perhaps even greet them so the photos now serve as a reminder of the day. 

At our home I had a table where guests could leave a notecard with a special story or memory they had of him. We also had a guest book but I thought that sharing a story would be more meaningful. It’s been 17 months and I still haven’t been able to read them, but some day I will.  

There was a video camera set up in our home that guests could go to record a message, perhaps a funny story about him or many took the opportunity to share personal condolences.  It was a very special gift from my son that friends were able to do this. These are the types of things that you may not have thought of but will be very happy you have when it’s over.

And finally, send a thank you note to all who helped make the day special.

As I look back now on that time period, I realize that I’d never stared off into space as much as I did during those weeks leading up to his funeral. I felt so lost. So alone. If you think you’re forgetful now, just wait. It’s as if your brain turns to jello. Things just slip through the cracks. Thankfully it does come back, but not for a while. I think it’s just the overwhelming feeling of suddenly you’re responsible for so many things that before you shared together. You relied on each other. More lists… so many lists. I’ll share what I’ve learned about that in a future blog.

Ultimately, you have to give yourself time to adjust. Give yourself grace in the transition. Breathe. Pray. As I sit here, it’s been 524 days and I’m still somewhat in disbelief. I’m not sure you ever get over it. Maybe it feels differently as time continues to pass, but for most I’m certain that the heartache stays for a very long time. We do our best to move forward and create new memories with those who are here with us, all the while cherishing the memories of the one who went before us. I love the song by Will Dempsey, ‘Beat You There’. If you haven’t listened, google it. Music is now my melody of faith. It brings me comfort in times of sadness. Joy in the daily routine and a reminder that this life here is just a blip on the radar.

I hope some of these ideas will help you when the time comes to plan a special event for someone you’ve lost. My wish is that it takes the sting out of the day when you’re able to honor the one you loved with all your heart.

And when it’s over, here’s what I’ve learned. This comes from ‘the Secret’. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle and the other is as though everything is. I chose to think that meeting my husband at the young age of 18 and living our lives together for the next 46 years was a miracle. I know in my heart that we’ll meet again, but I wanted his final goodbye to be very special for all of us and it was.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Future blog posts will include:

• You can't fill from an empty cup

• Why didn't I write that down?

• We all grieve differently

• Writing the story of your new life

• The little things are now the big things

• Changes you'll make that others don't understand

• When goodbye really is goodbye

• No regrets, only gratitude

• Losing track of time and everything else

• Managing added responsibilities

• Things people say or don't say

• What you should and shouldn't do... a widow's timeline

• My biggest fears and I've overcome them

Goodbye for now.

I hope to see you again.

~Carol

I remember that Monday morning...

It may seem that sharing my experience as a widow is a bit unusual, but my desire is to write about my personal journey with the hope that I can help you in yours or perhaps better prepare you for that ‘someday’, even if it’s far off in the future. Something that I’ve learned through this time in my life is that we never know when death may come knocking at our family’s door.  There’s not always a warning sign. Sometimes it just happens. I remember that Monday morning when I kissed my husband goodbye and went to work.  When I came home that afternoon, I found him peacefully lying on the back patio; he had a heart attack and instantly I had become a widow. No warning. No final goodbye. It was just that sudden. I was so incredibly unprepared for the hours, days, weeks and months to come. I’m not suggesting that we’re ever really ready for this type of tragedy but I do think that had I planned a little differently, I could have avoided some of the pitfalls that I’ve experienced. If you’re reading this as a member of the ‘widow’s club’, let me extend my sincere condolences to you.  It’s not easy.  None of us willingly signed up for this chapter in our lives but hopefully this blog will give you a little bit of comfort.  I would love for it to give you some new ideas that maybe you hadn’t tried or thought of before now, and through it all, I hope that something I tell you will bring you joy. For me, it’s been a long 16 months since that horrible day. What I have come to realize is that we were not only mentally unprepared, but I’ll call it ‘organizationally unprepared’ as well. Oh, we had the basics in place.  He and I had done a will and trust years prior because that’s the responsible thing to do, but there were so many things that we hadn’t done or even thought about doing.  My husband was extremely organized with our accounts and our business, which I was always grateful for, but I never paid attention to the details. Why should I?  He did it all so well and it wasn’t anything I felt I needed to know or understand. Let that be your first lesson!  Pay attention to the details.  Ask questions and write things down. If I had it to do all over again, I’d keep a journal of information that you may need to know someday.  In a different blog post, I’ll go much more into detail about things you really should know more about so that you’ll ask your significant other while you still can. During our journey together, my hope is that you’ll become much better prepared.  But if you’re already on your own journey as a widow, what I’ll share in my blog will be ways that I’ve found to honor my husband’s memory.  Things that I do differently now.  The many things that I wish I had done differently when he was alive. And hopefully bring a smile to your face along the way. It’s taken me over a year to come to terms with the fact that my husband is not going to come walking through the door. I’m sure many of you feel the same way.  It still feels so unreal to me that he’s gone.  I see his smiling face in pictures on the walls and miss him so much but it helps to constantly remind myself that he’s not gone forever. We will see him again one day. But for now, I will keep his memory alive so that he won’t be forgotten. I talk about him often.  I find it comforting to hear stories, to reminisce and laugh about the good times we shared. I have chosen to forget about any times that we struggled.  In our 46 years together, of course there were challenging times but now none of that matters. I chose to only remember the good times.  I do that because I can. I do that because there’s no reason to torture myself with any kind of regret. For me, that’s a more healthy way to live; a choice that only I can make for myself. You’re going to make many choices that you never dreamed possible. Some people won’t understand the decisions you make, but when you lose someone that was a huge part of your life, you have to do what’s right for you. Keep those who are supportive of you close. They’re a gift during challenging times. For me, I chose to be around the people who knew him best; people who I can share a funny story with and laugh instead of cry.  Crying - yes, I still cry.  It comes in waves. Most times at the oddest time like when I’m grocery shopping or at Costco when I see the things we used to buy. If you ever see a woman crying at the meat counter, it might be me.  My husband loved to cook and I’m learning, but it’s not the same. I miss coming home to the aroma of his meals, the fresh cut flowers on the counter next to my glass of wine.  I was spoiled for decades!  Through it all, I could choose to be bitter that it’s all been taken away, or I can simply be grateful that I experienced that life.  I chose the latter. All of this takes time to realize that I’m living a different life now - one in which I will be the captain of my own ship. I decide when I come and go.  I now make decisions about things that before we made together. It all seems very strange.  At times you will feel very alone, and yes, very sad but I rely on my faith and that gives me strength. I never imagined being in this place so early in my life. Maybe 64 to some people isn’t too early to be a widow, but I certainly thought it was. I thought that only old people were widows - like my Mom who was 85 when my Dad died, but obviously that wasn’t the plan. I’ve learned to accept things that happen which we can’t change, but I also know that we decide for ourselves how we will respond. Change happens and we can either let it mold us into someone we don’t even recognize or we can choose to respond with grace and accept our new life. Again, I choose the latter. Many people who know me best would say that I like to have control over things. I have always thought of myself as a leader, not necessarily as a follower.  If this ordeal has taught me one thing it’s that we don’t always have control, especially when your best friend dies suddenly. The range of emotions you’ll experience are deep and wide.  Shock would be one way to describe what I felt.  They say that you should wait a year before doing anything significant.  I definitely agree. Some things will look overwhelming to you at first, but perhaps exploring your options and getting a little help is best - at least in the beginning. When others offer help, say yes. I was never one that asked for help.  I didn’t have to because I was married to the one who helped everyone, but now I’m on the receiving end. If you’re fortunate enough to have people offering, let them help you. It’s good for both of you. My husband was a master at gardening.  I thought for the first 10 months my family and I could take care of our ‘almost an acre’ piece of paradise that he had created for us.  It was an exhausting endeavor and one that I soon realized I didn’t need or want to do.  I now have a gardener. Grieving is very personal.  We all grieve differently.  For me, it’s about expressing my feelings in a very personal way. Here are some of the ways that I’ve found healing:

• Every Friday I post a photo on social media. I call it “Favorite Photo Friday”.  I don’t say anything about the photo. I let it speak for itself but it tells a story of who he was and what was important to him. It might be a photo with family or a big fish that he caught. They always bring a smile to my face.
  

  
  
  
  
• To celebrate his birthday the first year, I knew the day would be difficult so I made multiple copies of hundreds of photos. We got together as a family and each of us made our own personal photo album, using the photos that were the most special to us. All of us, even the smallest grandchildren created a keepsake that would help us reminisce about the times that were personal.  Memories that we never wanted to forget.

  

  
  

  
  
• Since my husband loved working in the yard, I have a pair of his work boots on the back patio with this plaque over the top to commemorate his hard work.

  

  
  
• I have a cement bench in our backyard under the redwood tree.

  

  
  
• One of my favorite ways to display photos is on an Aura frame. Others through the app can send pictures they find to your frame. Mine is in my kitchen so every morning I see photos scrolling.  Here’s where you can find that frame ~ Aura.com
• I framed one of my valentine cards from him and put it next to my sink. Yes, keep some of your special cards.  They may serve as a nice reminder of your love for someone someday.

  

  
  
• I have a collage of photos on my bedroom wall. They make me smile.

  

  The framed message is one that I had at his funeral.
• I have a photo of my husband as the screen saver on my phone. I take him with me everywhere I go. I also wear his wedding ring every day.

  YES… I am fortunate that I took a LOT of photos over the years. Let that be another lesson.
• Something fun I plan to do for Christmas 2026 will be to put together a cookbook with his favorite recipes to give to friends and family as a special gift from him. He was a wonderful cook.

Here’s another crazy thing … When my husband died, he had just purchased a huge bag of socks from Costco.  Instead of donating them, I decided to put together Ziplock bags filled with things that I could give to the less fortunate who stand on the street corner.  Snacks, a scripture verse and yes - a pair of clean socks. Often times my husband would buy a meal to give to someone who was down on their luck, so I knew that he would have approved of my idea to hand out a bag of healthy snacks and a pair of his socks.  Now I buy packs of socks when I go to Costco to keep this charitable idea going in his honor. Through it all, I have been so blessed so my hope is to be a blessing through random acts of kindness. If you know your Bible, you’re familiar with the ‘fruit of the spirit’. That’s who he was striving to be… not perfection but persistence – one step at a time. One day at a time. In our new life, there are things I don’t like to say.  I never like to say I’m ‘moving on’.  That makes it sound like I’m leaving him behind.  Instead I like to think of it as moving forward.  I never want to let go of the memories we shared.  I will always take those memories with me. But when we lose someone close to us, it feels like a piece of us is missing. It’s hard but we have to realize that life goes on. Responsibilities don’t stop. Others need you, so every day you wake up and make the decision to do your best. When someone dies suddenly, you just hope you said all that you wanted to say. He knew he was loved and he loved our family so deeply. To be honest, I wouldn’t have wanted a prolonged illness for him. He’s the lucky one who instantly went home to meet Jesus.  Something that I’ll be forever grateful for … knowing that he had recommitted his life to Christ. Every Sunday my tears fall because I know that he’s rejoicing with the angels while I’m praising God here on earth. I still sit in the same seats at church that we sat in together. I miss holding his hand but I hold my memories tight. When I weep, they’re not always sad tears. Many times they’re tears of joy. Grateful for the 46 years we shared together.

Where does the time go??

Through it all, I know that I am blessed and I hope you feel the same.  Over the course of the next weeks, months and maybe even years I’ll be at this site sharing A Widow’s Journey.  Nothing I ever envisioned doing, but I hope that my experiences can be helpful, even if just in a small way, to helping you find peace in your new life. Future blog posts will include:

• Planning a funeral
• You can't fill from an empty cup
• Why didn't I write that down?
• We all grieve differently
• Writing the story of your new life
• The little things are now the big things
• Changes you'll make that others don't understand
• When goodbye really is goodbye
• No regrets, only gratitude
• Losing track of time and everything else
• Managing added responsibilities
• Things people say or don't say
• What you should and shouldn't do... a widow's timeline
• My biggest fears and I've overcome them

Goodbye for now.

I hope to see you again. ~Carol